my thoughts

Okay so this may not be a post for all to read, but this is for me. I really need the therapy of writing.  Okay so an update of my life the past 2 1/2 months since Gracie was born: as most of you know I had an unplanned emergency C-section which for me was nothing short of devastating. I don't like to talk about it either. But I need to. I think as far as "baby blues" go, I completely don't have that at all, but I think I have what I like to call "belly or tummy blues". I hate to look, think, or even touch my belly. I hate the scar I have, I hate think that I am suck like this for the rest of my life. Who knows if this will cause ill effects in the future. That's a whole different story, one that I have a hard time grasping.
My body as a woman is meant to give birth, and naturally. So why can't I. With Eldon I was induced, and it was so intense that I couldn't make it without the epidural, but that okay the epidural isn't a bad thing. I just want to start labor naturally. Then Gracie I was so intense on my "natural" plan that now looking back maybe I should have given in and been induced, or I always ask myself this: maybe I could have been induced, and the doctors were just bored that night and they saw me maybe with an elevated baby HB and decided, hey surgeries are so much funner than a boring natural birth, plus I only have to be there for an hour. Who knows, but there is a need in me, I need to know, I have to know.
I know all these women say but your baby is here and safe! and My reply on thank heavens! I know right! BUT take my sweet little angel out of the picture. She is here and she is safe and really I love her more than my own life, she is everything. and again this isn't about Gracie at all, this is me. Me and my body, that won't work like it should that is now left with a scar. a perminate reminder that my body failed me. Not that I failed, which is almost worse because try as I might a thousand times over, I could never give birth the way I wanted; natural. What saddens me most is that I really wanted to give birth, I never gave birth to Gracie, she was ripped away from me in the most unnatural and cruel way imaginable. I was laying flat on a table while I was sliced across the abdomen, I never got to see her first breath. She was all alone when she was ripped out of me and into this world. No one was there to hold her hand when she came to breathing. I wanted to run to her, to hold her hand, to be her mom, and I couldn't I was strapped down. She was crying and she needed me and I couldn't be there, I really wanted them to show me her. the first time I saw her was on a camera. But she is great now, and that really isn't an issue. My issue is my belly blues! I hate this. I got an IUD implant to make sure I don't get pregnant anytime soon. I have to deal with this issue before me and Mark decide that we even want another baby. Right now my babies are my life. Believe it or not things have gotten better, there were weeks there where I never looked in the mirror. And still when I get ready I have to force myself to look. Time will fade away my feelings, as will my scar. Right now I just love watching life through Gracie and Eldon's eyes, they are so innocent and I love them both with everything I have. Love my babies and my Hubby!