life lately...

Tired, stressed, overworked, and underpaid tend to describe my life lately. Now noted we have our fun times here and there but I have been go, go ,go , go it seems ever since Gracie so I haven't blogged in a while because I have had a hard time finding anything to say.
So to explain why I am so tired... my sweet little baby Gracie LOVES me!!! Which is not a bad thing... until a month ago when she stopped sleeping through the night and started nursing 3 times a night! But the funny thing is she screams her head off if we try to soothe her in any other way other that me nursing her, and trust me we have tried everything. Mark going in first, making sure she doesn't need changing, patting her on the back while still being in the crib, picking her up to rock her, bottle (which she still have never taken), pacifier (again she has never taken this either, but I am still trying)... Nothing works other than me getting up to nurse. She is so cute though, all she wants is to smile and coo while nursing until she decides she want to go back to bed. Which some nights it is 10 minutes, some nights 30minutes but the usual has been about an hour or more, and this would be okay if it were just once a night but it is 2 and 3 times a night. So the schedule for Gracie's sleep is  8:30pm bed time, wake up 1st time midnight, back to bed by 1am. awake for the 2nd time at 3am, back in bed at 3:45am, and finally awake for the day anywhere between 5:30am and 6:00am. she will cat nap for 5 or 10 minutes but won't stay asleep until she is back down for a nap at 11am and sleeps till 11:45am usually. Then if I am lucky she will fall asleep during Eldon's nap time around 1pm and usually sleep for an hour and a half, but then she is awake until we do bath time and back to sleep at 8:30pm.
This sleep schedule would concern me if it weren't for 1 thing. She is always so darn happy!!! 1am she is happy and smiling and cooing away, same with 3am, and by 6am she is literally talking baby talk so loud that is usually wakes Eldon up far to early. She is always smiling... as long as I am giving her attention. If I set her in her bouncer next to me and try to catch some sleep while she is awake, she will have none of it and continues to scream until my undivided exhausted self is giving her my attention.
I am so Tired! By the time the house is shut down for the night and I get my alone time, and spend time with Mark, I am usually in bed around 11pm( I am trying to get to bed earlier, but It is soooo hard) so I am averaging 4 1/2 hours of sleep if not less. I am trying soo hard to push through ( this can't last forever right?!) but we are going on month 2 and I am breaking. I find myself not going out during the day because I am sooo tired, I don't want to be a danger in a car to others or my sweet babies. I put on a movie instead of getting down and playing with Eldon, dishes are going unwashed, laundry is stacking up.  Am I not supermom? Can't I do it all? Lately I am beginning to doubt myself. I made a goal to start going out more now that Gracie is older, but this past month and a half have been spent with me struggling to wake up for the day. I also made a goal to start loosing my baby weight, and my postpartum after my c-section weight, which with the lack of sleep and stress is making it impossible at best.
Eldon is getting better at tolerating Gracie, he actually is fine as long as Dad (marky) isnt holding her. At the house if she cries he says, "It's okay Gwacie, Gwacie no cry now, momma's coming" and in the morning when he wakes up after I change him and get him ready he will run to the living room where Gracie usually is and shout "Gwacie's awake now!" Very excited, and he helps me take her to her crib when she falls asleep. So that is all great, but I fear that his lack of stimulating is affecting him. He is very spirited and independant and bless his heart he is just having a tough time listening when mommy and daddy tell him no. He takes no as a personal invitation to continue his bad behavior. We are working on this and we have our better days usually they are the ones when I give him alot of attention, or we have a bunch of activities planned. That Is why I think my lack of sleep is hurting him and me.
I try to enjoy my late night moments with Gracie. I try to take in how much she loves me. I know how much i love and adore her so I hope she loves me even half as much. I am greatful that she is so healthy and strong. I try to keep positive when I am at my tired points, because being sad or depressed about it just hurts myself and others.
For now we are still trying to get Gracie to take a bottle (with not a lot of luck) although she has taken a cup once, so I think that is our next step. She seems just as attached to me as I am to her. I use to hold her when she was first born and think about what my life would have been like if I lost her, and how blessed I was to be given the chance to know her. So maybe this is my own doing, me holding her to much, but if this is the worst thing I do to my kids then I will be okay.
This too will pass... I will enjoy it while I can and hopefully a few months from now I will be laughing and remembering about the days when I got no sleep.